This is an April Fool’s post.  Cochlear Implant HELP strives to provide timely and accurate information.  So as not to mislead our readers, we now identify April Fool’s posts that mention specific cochlear implant manufacturers with this header.  Our posts often hint at features that would exceed the hopes of many of our readers by far.  While the posts are intended in jest, they do reflect some of the wishes of the community, and manufacturers might benefit from accepting these as inputs for longer-range product possibilities.

Valencia, Calif., April 1,  2015— Advanced Bionics (AB), a global leader in cochlear implant technology and a company of the Sonova Group, announced today that upcoming external processors will include integrated 802.11 Wi-Fi network access.  The primary intended use of the connection is for remote programming of external processors.

Cochlear implants require surgery and a recovery period before initial activation. Most patients visit the audiologist several times after activation, and then once or twice a year indefinitely.  These visits can be onerous for those who must travel long distances, or for patients for whom any travel is difficult.  With integrated Wi-Fi in Advanced Bionics processors, recipients may have their processors programmed and updated in the comfort of their home or office, or even in the local coffee shop.

After registering with a secured network using WPA2 authentication, a cochlear implant processor can be accessed through a proprietary high-security communications link with software operated by a pre-specified audiologist.  The audiologist may make adjustments to the processor just as easily as if the recipient were sitting in the same room.  While a typical audiologist visit involves a wired connection to the audiologist’s computer, programming via Wi-Fi is completely wireless.  A separate audio-visual link, such as Skype or FaceTime, is used to communicate in real time while the program settings are adjusted. Recipients with low-bandwidth Internet access may take advantage of the system by using any text chat or VoIP link to communicate with the audiologist.

As a demonstration of the technology, climate researcher and Advanced Bionics recipient Dr. Buddy Hearswell will have his processors programmed while working at McMurdo Station in Antartica.

Advanced Bionics recipients with compatible processors may also access streaming audio services such as Pandora and Spotify.  In addition, two-way communication using the processor’s built-in microphones enable VoIP phone calls using services such as Google Chat or Vonage. Users with compatible Advanced Bionics processors will be able to make free phone calls to any location globally with no other equipment.  While cochlear implants were originally intended to restore hearing to some degree, Advanced Bionics is seizing the opportunity to create a trans-human with the ability to instantly and effortlessly communicate with anybody on the planet.

Advanced Bionics and Starbucks announce a partnership where any cochlear implant patient who uses a Starbucks Internet connection for a programming session will receive a free Venti coffee. Starbucks is committed to improving the quality of life of its customers with affordable luxury, and facilitating cochlear implant programming sessions integrates well with its vision of a truly utopian society.

“We are pleased to offer patients the ability to have adjustments made from the comfort of their favorite Starbucks, and to be able to make free global phone calls without any extra equipment” said Hamburg Mensch, President of Advanced Bionics and Group Vice President of the Sonova Medical Division within which AB resides.

For more information about AB’s innovative hearing technology, visit AdvancedBionics.com, or follow AB on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and Pinterest.

About Advanced Bionics

Advanced Bionics is a global leader in developing the most advanced cochlear implant systems in the world. Founded in 1993 and a subsidiary of the Sonova Group since 2009, AB develops cutting-edge cochlear implant technology that allows recipients to hear their best.

AB offers the most sophisticated cochlear implant system on the market, the HiResolution™ Bionic Ear System, with five times more sound resolution than its competitors, designed to help recipients hear in noisy settings and enjoy the full dimensions of music and tonal languages.

With sales in over 50 countries and a proven track record for developing high-performing, state of-the-art products, AB’s talented group of technologists and professionals from all over the world are driven to succeed, work with integrity and stay firmly committed to quality.

To learn more about AB and its innovative cochlear implant technology, please visit AdvancedBionics.com.

Media Contact:

Cherry Grandma

Advanced Bionics

YouveBeenSchooled@AdvancedBionics.com

This is a joke! Repeat, this is only a joke! Do not interpret any of this post as being based in fact.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Happy April Fool’s Day 2015!